THE JOURNAL
October 1, 2026
Vows & readings

Writing vows that sound like you

Almost every couple sits down to write their vows, stares at a blank page and immediately reaches for something they’ve heard at somebody else’s wedding. Here’s a better place to start.

There is a particular look that crosses a couple’s face when I mention writing their own vows. It is roughly the same look people get when someone hands them a microphone unexpectedly.

It shouldn’t be like that. Your vows are the one part of the ceremony that is entirely yours, and they are almost always the part guests remember most clearly afterwards. So they are worth a little time, and worth starting somewhere better than a search engine.

Start with what you actually do

Most vows go wrong in the same way. They reach for the enormous words forever, always, unconditionally and end up sounding like every other set of vows ever written. Enormous words are hard to picture, and anything hard to picture slides straight past a room full of people.

The vows that land are almost always specific. Not “I promise to always support you”, but “I promise to keep pretending I can’t hear the alarm so that you get the first cup of tea”. One of those is a sentiment. The other is a marriage.

The best vow I have ever heard was eleven words long and involved a dog. The room did not recover for some time.

Start with what you actually do

Before you write a single line, answer these separately on your own, without showing each other. It takes twenty minutes and it does most of the work for you.

What does your partner do that makes an ordinary day better?
When have they been at their absolute best, and what were they doing?
What have you changed your mind about because of them?
What would you want them to hear on a genuinely difficult day, years from now?

Almost everything you need is somewhere in those answers. Your job is not to invent something; it is to notice what is already there.

Agree the shape, not the words

Couples often worry that one set of vows will be far longer, funnier or more emotional than the other. That is easily solved: agree the shape in advance and keep the content private.

Decide roughly how long a minute each is plenty. Decide roughly how many promises three or four is the sweet spot. Decide whether you are aiming for funny, serious, or the mixture most couples land on naturally. Then write them separately, and don’t show each other until the day.

Read them out loud, early

Writing for the eye and writing for the ear are different jobs. A sentence that looks elegant on paper can be almost impossible to say while holding somebody’s hands in front of ninety people.

Read your vows out loud at least once, a fortnight before. Anything you stumble over twice, cut. Anything that makes you feel slightly self-conscious to say, keep — that is usually the true bit.

And if you would rather not?
Then don’t. Plenty of couples prefer to repeat promises after me, or to choose from vows we have shaped together. There is no rule that says personal vows must be written from scratch, and a ceremony is not a test.

Whatever you choose, we’ll work on it together. You will not be handed a blank page and left to it.